Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 28, 2005 1:31 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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Subject: detergent
Dear Tide Laundry Detergent:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it
all
through my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now
though I am in my fifties, I find it even better.
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white
blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to berate me
about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming
a pain in the
neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended
up with a lot of
his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain
out using a
bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a
bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests on my
blouse
were negative and then my attorney called and said
that I would no
longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of
my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having
such a great
product. Well, gotta' go. I have to write a letter to
the Hefty bag
people.
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 28, 2005 1:34 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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There was this couple that had been married for 20
years. Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on
shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of
this crazy
habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of
a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked
down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying
to me all
of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain
the kids."
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Posts:
14,195
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 28, 2005 4:16 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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LOL!
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 30, 2005 10:49 PM
in response to:
mjarcana
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To all our "mature" friends and those "young" friends who will be there before you know it.....
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 30, 2005 10:53 PM
in response to:
walk_softly
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Why We Love Children
> 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
> dead.
> "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
> "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
> innocently.
> You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> "You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
>
> didn't move."
>
>
> 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
> Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
> "What?"
> "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
> "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
> Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?"
> "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
> I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you! !!"
> Five minutes later....."Daaaa-aaaad....."
> "WHAT!"
> "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
>
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> Finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
> The boy thought it over and said,
> "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
> until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
> tucking her son into bed.
> She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
> voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
> said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
> sissy."
>
>
> 5. It w! as that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
> children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
> forward.
> One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
> sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
> "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
> The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
> microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
>
> 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
> old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
> the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
> I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
> tummy."
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
>
>
> 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
> plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
> His mother heard what he was! saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
> The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
> "Yes," he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
> teaching my son in math?"
> The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
> The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
> son
> of a bitch is four?"
> After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
> was,
> two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
> Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
> where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so
> Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The
> sky is falling, the sky is fallin! g!"
> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do yo u think that
> farmer said?"
> One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy
> Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
> Sugarbrown's daughter."
> Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
> Sugarbrown."
> The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
> Sugarbrown's daughter?"
> She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
>
>
> 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
> theboys?"
> Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
> rough."
> The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
> "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
> next ! to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair
> cut,
> eating a snack cake
> The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
> Twinkie."
> She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too
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Posts:
378
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Jul 31, 2005 12:25 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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One other night a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls."
She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "Promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door,the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. The woman was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 1, 2005 12:42 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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THE CORK
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first one says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"
I said, "No sh*t?"
GodBlessAmerica!
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 1, 2005 12:43 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE! 
I'm sorry.... What was the question?
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 1, 2005 12:46 AM
in response to:
mjarcana
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious, no wonder some people were
offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone
answering machine.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those
children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not
complete enough school work to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the
school:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
"To complain about what we do - Press 3
"To swear at staff members - Press 4
"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
"To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
"To complain about school lunches - Press 0
"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort - Hang up and have a nice day!"
If you can read this, thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English, thank a veteran!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<!--<ZZZ![ENDIF] />--> <!--<ZZZ!-- />-->
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 2, 2005 11:11 PM
in response to:
mjarcana
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Life Saver
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news
he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home ?"
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Posts:
1,574
From:
One block short of the end of the world, ya'll drop over now, ya' hear?
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 2, 2005 11:22 PM
in response to:
mjarcana
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Ref post 7.
Later on the same young couple meeting again.
The young boy says he noticed a difference between boys and girls and whips his pants down and says, "Ha, Ha, I got one of these and you girls ain't got one of these!!"
The little girl whips up her dress and says, " Ha, Ha, I got one of these and with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!!"
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Posts:
973
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 2, 2005 11:24 PM
in response to:
mjarcana
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That one was soooo funny. I had to laugh for a long time before I could write how much I liked them.
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Posts:
973
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 2, 2005 11:27 PM
in response to:
saranessa00
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Priceless...I'm still laughing.
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 3, 2005 1:41 AM
in response to:
popginn
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Posts:
169
Registered:
2/8/06
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IT is To Laugh......
Posted:
Aug 3, 2005 1:42 AM
in response to:
breeapple
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Thanks Bree! It's usually VERY serious around here. SOoooooo, a little humor for us all......
Carol
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